The Heart of the Matter

I've been meaning to wrap up my three part Love, Laughter, Forgiveness series for sometime now, but as any good writer knows at times it is harder to articulate the things that you want to share. Today, however, I woke up, got our of the shower and heard this song on Pandora and the random thoughts in my mind just started falling into place. So this final chapter in the trilogy, about forgiveness, is dedicated to two special friends whom I know will be able to empathize with some of the emotions so poignantly put forth in this song, but also to everyone who is searching in their lives for something more.

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness

It doesn't matter what the question is, the answer, in my mind any way, is forgiveness. First we need to forgive ourselves for not yet being perfect- not yet having perfect bodies, not yet being the perfect friend, daughter or student, not yet knowing perfectly how to treat ourselves or one another. If we cannot accept ourselves for what we are and where we are along our journey of life we cannot hope to be able to accept others or for others to accept us. If I cannot accept that I am imperfect, if I cannot acknowledge both the good and the bad about myself, I cannot be ME. I must always be part. I will forever be putting on a facade, pretending that I am something that I'm not. Love is born of acceptance. This makes it impossible for others to love me, since I am forever keeping them at arms length. By not showing them the good and the bad they cannot love me for me. This also makes it impossible for me to love them, because I will always be thinking that they, like me, are only giving part of themselves. There is no opportunity for trust and growth and love because we have not been honest with what our starting point is.

When we have forgiven ourselves, accepted the reality of who and what we are, we can then more easily love and accept others. We don't expect them to be perfect. We know they will not be. Thus their imperfections endear them to us, because we can look at them and not be blinded by what they are not, but be inspired by what they are becoming. We can see daily the challenges they face and celebrate with them their victories as they learn again the things they thought they knew, and they likewise can rejoice with us as we learn and grow and are changed. There is something to be said about struggling together, I'm sure there are many married couples that could tell you that. But the same principle applies to all our relationships. In the Bible we are told that "a friend loveth at all times and a brother is born for adversity" (Proverbs 17:17) We can love our friends and neighbors and eventually our experiences with them will turn them into family, our brothers and sisters. Imagine what a different type of world we could live in if we could just forgive; replace the pride and bitterness in our hearts and homes with love.

We all need love. It is that universal desire that sends us from the arms of our mothers when we are little, to the arms of the savior when we are young and foolish, and eventually to the arms of a lover when we have learned enough about being loved to freely give our love to another. Someone who will give us plenty of opportunities to laugh and love and forgive.

My boyfriend sold his soul to the BYU accounting program

It is 10pm and I am sitting in study room on the fifth floor of the Harold B Lee Library. You may be asking yourself "why would a BYU graduate, of all people be at the library this late, on the third day of classes?" The short answer is that I have spent the last two days masquerading as a BYU student. It is easy to do since there are so many new students and people adding and dropping classes. I just pack up my pink Jansport backpack and blend right in! Okay so maybe having half the school (yes, I realize I'm being very liberal with that number) recognize you doesn't qualify as blending, but when you have a student ID that doesn't expire till 2012 and your route Y login still works for the free internet, there is a lot to be said about kicking it on campus. I even attended a class with Jen Kironde the other day. I don't think I will be returning, due in large part to the fact that the boy I sat with was all to eager to get to know me and suggest we form a study group. I mean come on, it's only the second day of class and this is a religion class! Oh and I told him first thing that I was already graduated and just visiting. The nerve of some people's children. Better luck next time Tye from Idaho.

But all joking aside, the real reason that I am spending my days, and nights on campus is because my boyfriend has sold his soul to the BYU accounting program. This semester marks the start of his junior core of classes, and I can already tell you, that Junior core is short for "university-approved-ritual-hazing". On the second day of class poor Matthew had already been assigned two projects and about 10 hours of homework, and it hasn’t gotten any better. Since they have a rotating class schedule, he has assignments due every day which means no rest for the weary. He has already, half joking-half serious, told me that I am going to hate him after this semester because he is going to be so busy and so stressed that we are never going to see one another and he is going to be no fun to hang around with. I disagree whole heartedly.

Unlike Matt I have been mentally preparing for this transition all summer long. As one who has spent time working and living in the “real world” I know it can’t always be fun and games. Still to make things easier on him I broke up with him at dinner last night. Now he doesn’t have to worry and stress about our relationship. I have also spent the last two nights in the library with him. I’m hoping in time he will come to understand that just spending time with him, even if I have to share him with his Auditing and Assurance Services book, is all I require, and that making dashes off to Wendy’s and sneaking food back to him in our little study room isn’t a big deal to me. I like it. It makes me feel important and involved. I can’t do his work for him but I am more than willing to try and relieve some of the stress. It’s a whole lot better than being an accounting program widow....I wonder if they have a facebook group for that. I’ll have to look into it. =)